A little change of pace Harry, but the words needed an outlet.
Birds playing in the rain.
I love the sounds, the light patter of the rain,
the bird's songs and chirps,
and the silence of everything else,
the sights, as flashes of red and blue blink through the still bare branches.
The thunder tells me it will not last long,
so I will savor this until the beauty of the storm takes over.
Ah, the beauty of the storm
all rage and roar, blustering winds and sideways rain.
I love this too.
The thunder you can feel in the rattle of window and shaking floors,
the fingers of light giving glimpses of the swaying trees.
I love the goosebumps and snuggles from small, worried arms.
Shh, I say, the storm will pass.
Sleep now, sleep now.
Sleep, the storm shall,
I love this too.
The thunder now fades,
the whistle farther down the track,
the moon a beacon without rocky shore guides.
I love the ring of light,
a halo through the clouds,
as ghostly trees shine,
drips punctuate the still left behind.
I love this too.
I listen now to birds again,
who sing to dawn brought by the man,
who smiles down in the night, rejoicing.
Shh, sleep now, sleep now.
I love this too.
The quiet of deep night,
its stillness wrapping the weary,
shh, sleep now, sleep now.
Hope the storms your way were just as cleansing as the ones through my neck of the woods.
To Harry from New Jersey, with love from east Texas via a thunderstorm in the night.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
Rites of Passage
Well Harry, another chance meeting, another moment frozen in a mind, another day where strangers become fast friends. Valentine's Day, a day for sharing our love with its history varied and bloody, but I try to stay in the spirit. This year, it is one of those weird off days for my school. Bad weather days that are built in and if not used, we get to stay home. I suppose that is only a southern thing as I watch the news of the north hit yet again by blowing snow and crushing ice.
On the 13th, I watch young love spread over my high school as teddy bears and chocolates were given and shared. I saw cheeks bloom with that fresh blush as the no PDA rule was tested again and again and young hearts burst with joy and sorrow over their Valentine's. I teased appropriately as young girls walked into my classroom carrying the proof of that undying devotion only the young seem to carry so easily. All of them convinced that this was the best day of their lives. I secretly thought, "I hope not." My hope for them is to thinks of this day with love, to think of it with a happy smile, but hopefully not the greatest moment. I hope they have many great moments, sad moments, but I suppose it is a kind of rite of passage. We all remember our high school crush, some more fondly than others. I think of my fickle heart in high school and how my crush seemed to change with the seasons.
On Valentine's Day, instead of pampering myself with chocolate and champagne, I woke early so that I could take my eldest for her own rite of passage, the driver's test. We rode in near silence, I in the passenger seat, her getting in a little last minute practice. We arrived at the DMV, appropriate paper work in hand and proceeded to wait our turn. There were several other hopefuls in line accompanied by parents who looked just as nervous as their charges. It came time and my daughter headed out with the instructor, all jangling nerves and brittle smiles.
The parallel parking portion of the test would be first. As the instructor had her test mirrors and lights, I and the others watched through the window and the recollections began. "I took my test in an old Ford with a 3 speed on the column," said a grandmother. "I took mine in a station wagon. I still don't know how I passed," a mother said. My own test was taken in a blue Ford Aerostar. I, too, do not remember how I passed. Now, they are off. We can see the parallel parking portion from our vantage point, orange cones that look to close together. We all watch with baited breath. Some of us trying to remember our own, others trying to get pointers on how to pass when their turn comes up.
"She's doing good," said the grandmother. "Cut the wheel a little harder," I breathe. Then she's done it. She's pulling back out and headed off to the road portion of the test. We all look at each other as the cheers and applause ring off the dull tan walls of the DMV. Smiles greet each waiting face. Now I wait for her return, but not alone. These strangers wait with me. We all hope she returns smiling. We all fear she will not. Only minutes pass before I see her return but they are the long minutes of time reserved for the waiting. As she gets out of the car and heads in, her face gives me no clue. Once inside, she sees me and even though it is a little shaky with nerves, she holds up that score sheet and beams at me. Again, the cheers resound. Congratulations are given and other hopefuls take a breath. "If she can do it, so can I." A few final words from the instructor and we are off again. Her paper driver's license in hand. I offer to let her drive home, but she shakes her head, "No thanks mom, you are still the better driver." Always humble and gracious my girl. I did not have the heart to mention that it probably had more to do with shaking hands and the need to text friends of her new status. As I head to her school, that did not get the same holiday as mine, we chat now about the car she wants, the job she will get.
Again, I am assaulted by my own remembrances of my first car, my first job. I wave her off at school with one more congratulations and how proud I am of her, but my mind is still traveling backwards instead of forwards. I spend the rest of the day doing a little retail therapy in the hopes my past will be forgotten, to somehow restart my forward thought.
At the end of the day as I happily make a congratulatory dinner and listen to the children make plans for where their sister will take them in her as of now nonexistent car, I receive an urgent email to call my aunts. It seems, Harry, that this Valentine's Day would be a day of love, but of love remembered, love shared in the past. My grandfather, my mother's father, had succumbed to his weakened heart. Why had they called me you ask instead of my mother. Well, good question. I being the eldest on our side, was nominated since my mother was several thousand miles away in Costa Rica, her favorite place on this earth, her second home.
I was charged with getting in touch with her, with relaying funeral arrangements and other details, and then back to the aunts and grandmother he left behind. I had to tell my mother through email that her father was gone. It was necessary as we did not have a way to call and I had to tell her, but it will be a moment that I will have to forgive myself as she does not blame me. It seems a kind of weird circle as the roles were reversed some twenty years ago when my mother had to tell me of my father's passing and serve as liaison to his family as I was too young. I suppose that is part of what troubles me. She told me in person and was there to comfort me, while I had to tell her when my arms could not reach her.
So my children and I traveled west to say our final goodbyes. He was remembered on a Thursday, bright and shiny with a bit of gusty wind. After flight delays and missed connections, my mother had made it as well as many others. I was finally able to give her the hug I was desperate for and the comfort I felt she needed although I suppose a child will always want the feeling of being wrapped in her mother's arms. We grandchildren many each said a little something, more I think, for our grandmother than ourselves. Family never seen before gave their condolences and cousins forgotten were now remembered and greeted as old friends. Happy smiles warred with teary eyes as each person reconciled with their own faith.
It was a week for rites of passage, Harry. Some joyful, some sorrowful but all parts of each of our lives. Death is our final rite, Harry. As mortals, we struggle with it, we fear it, we either rush towards it or struggle to fight against it at different points along our paths. We plan for it like it is some exotic vacation, but it is inevitable.
I have called my grandmother more since his death than I did in the six months before. I slowed down enough to realize that that is all she wants from me, a voice on the phone and maybe a visit now and then. She knows I love her, but she does not know my little joys, my triumphs, my worries. I always speak of those random connections that unite us humans, this time I remembered that they do not always have to be random.
So here is to joy remembered, family united and random connections, Harry. A little poem from my grandfather, Howard Hill, 1927-2014.
Miss Me - But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your heard bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me - but let me go.
For this a journey we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.
As always, to you Harry from New Jersey, with love from east Texas via the great beyond.
On the 13th, I watch young love spread over my high school as teddy bears and chocolates were given and shared. I saw cheeks bloom with that fresh blush as the no PDA rule was tested again and again and young hearts burst with joy and sorrow over their Valentine's. I teased appropriately as young girls walked into my classroom carrying the proof of that undying devotion only the young seem to carry so easily. All of them convinced that this was the best day of their lives. I secretly thought, "I hope not." My hope for them is to thinks of this day with love, to think of it with a happy smile, but hopefully not the greatest moment. I hope they have many great moments, sad moments, but I suppose it is a kind of rite of passage. We all remember our high school crush, some more fondly than others. I think of my fickle heart in high school and how my crush seemed to change with the seasons.
On Valentine's Day, instead of pampering myself with chocolate and champagne, I woke early so that I could take my eldest for her own rite of passage, the driver's test. We rode in near silence, I in the passenger seat, her getting in a little last minute practice. We arrived at the DMV, appropriate paper work in hand and proceeded to wait our turn. There were several other hopefuls in line accompanied by parents who looked just as nervous as their charges. It came time and my daughter headed out with the instructor, all jangling nerves and brittle smiles.
The parallel parking portion of the test would be first. As the instructor had her test mirrors and lights, I and the others watched through the window and the recollections began. "I took my test in an old Ford with a 3 speed on the column," said a grandmother. "I took mine in a station wagon. I still don't know how I passed," a mother said. My own test was taken in a blue Ford Aerostar. I, too, do not remember how I passed. Now, they are off. We can see the parallel parking portion from our vantage point, orange cones that look to close together. We all watch with baited breath. Some of us trying to remember our own, others trying to get pointers on how to pass when their turn comes up.
"She's doing good," said the grandmother. "Cut the wheel a little harder," I breathe. Then she's done it. She's pulling back out and headed off to the road portion of the test. We all look at each other as the cheers and applause ring off the dull tan walls of the DMV. Smiles greet each waiting face. Now I wait for her return, but not alone. These strangers wait with me. We all hope she returns smiling. We all fear she will not. Only minutes pass before I see her return but they are the long minutes of time reserved for the waiting. As she gets out of the car and heads in, her face gives me no clue. Once inside, she sees me and even though it is a little shaky with nerves, she holds up that score sheet and beams at me. Again, the cheers resound. Congratulations are given and other hopefuls take a breath. "If she can do it, so can I." A few final words from the instructor and we are off again. Her paper driver's license in hand. I offer to let her drive home, but she shakes her head, "No thanks mom, you are still the better driver." Always humble and gracious my girl. I did not have the heart to mention that it probably had more to do with shaking hands and the need to text friends of her new status. As I head to her school, that did not get the same holiday as mine, we chat now about the car she wants, the job she will get.
Again, I am assaulted by my own remembrances of my first car, my first job. I wave her off at school with one more congratulations and how proud I am of her, but my mind is still traveling backwards instead of forwards. I spend the rest of the day doing a little retail therapy in the hopes my past will be forgotten, to somehow restart my forward thought.
At the end of the day as I happily make a congratulatory dinner and listen to the children make plans for where their sister will take them in her as of now nonexistent car, I receive an urgent email to call my aunts. It seems, Harry, that this Valentine's Day would be a day of love, but of love remembered, love shared in the past. My grandfather, my mother's father, had succumbed to his weakened heart. Why had they called me you ask instead of my mother. Well, good question. I being the eldest on our side, was nominated since my mother was several thousand miles away in Costa Rica, her favorite place on this earth, her second home.
I was charged with getting in touch with her, with relaying funeral arrangements and other details, and then back to the aunts and grandmother he left behind. I had to tell my mother through email that her father was gone. It was necessary as we did not have a way to call and I had to tell her, but it will be a moment that I will have to forgive myself as she does not blame me. It seems a kind of weird circle as the roles were reversed some twenty years ago when my mother had to tell me of my father's passing and serve as liaison to his family as I was too young. I suppose that is part of what troubles me. She told me in person and was there to comfort me, while I had to tell her when my arms could not reach her.
So my children and I traveled west to say our final goodbyes. He was remembered on a Thursday, bright and shiny with a bit of gusty wind. After flight delays and missed connections, my mother had made it as well as many others. I was finally able to give her the hug I was desperate for and the comfort I felt she needed although I suppose a child will always want the feeling of being wrapped in her mother's arms. We grandchildren many each said a little something, more I think, for our grandmother than ourselves. Family never seen before gave their condolences and cousins forgotten were now remembered and greeted as old friends. Happy smiles warred with teary eyes as each person reconciled with their own faith.
It was a week for rites of passage, Harry. Some joyful, some sorrowful but all parts of each of our lives. Death is our final rite, Harry. As mortals, we struggle with it, we fear it, we either rush towards it or struggle to fight against it at different points along our paths. We plan for it like it is some exotic vacation, but it is inevitable.
I have called my grandmother more since his death than I did in the six months before. I slowed down enough to realize that that is all she wants from me, a voice on the phone and maybe a visit now and then. She knows I love her, but she does not know my little joys, my triumphs, my worries. I always speak of those random connections that unite us humans, this time I remembered that they do not always have to be random.
So here is to joy remembered, family united and random connections, Harry. A little poem from my grandfather, Howard Hill, 1927-2014.
Miss Me - But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your heard bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me - but let me go.
For this a journey we all must take
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me - but let me go.
As always, to you Harry from New Jersey, with love from east Texas via the great beyond.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Under Repair
Well Harry, it has been quite some time since I last wrote. Life has intervened and I am in awe of those who post every week or even every day. I would give much to be able to keep that pace, but alas, I have let two months go. I have thought over the time in between posts that I really should jot that down if for no other reason than it was an event I don't want to let slip away. For example, fall in East Texas is short, but very beautiful. We live here among the pines that stay green year round, but we also have oak, maple and sycamores. They turn such beautiful shades of gold, red, yellow and orange that they take my breath away. Only now do the trees look barren having finally given up the last of their leaves. Our roads are still covered like a patchwork quilt and my daughter and I giggled as we drove because they danced in our wake like a comet's tail. I cried as my oldest was inducted into the National Honor Society as a junior and my 7th grader was inducted into the National Junior Art Honor Society. She even designed their t-shirt, yet something has always stopped me and I think it was just, for lack of a better word, that I am broken.
I wrote last time of a life changing event. Like you, he came in to my life by chance and like you, I may never see him again, but my life will never be the same. I wrote of him 2 months ago. When I wrote of him, he had not been with me for a month and by the time he left, he had not been with me 3 months in total. I know the cliche about how our lives are changed in a moment, but those moments are usually some cataclysmic event that is unexpected and uncontrollable. There is no time to question one's actions or time to ponder the hurt of the outcome. There is only time to react and pray. For me, that was not the case, or at least for now. I had time to picture my life without him. I had to make a choice. It was my choice alone to make. No one held a gun to my head, no bomb was going to kill millions if I chose poorly and there was no press in the aftermath, but it was a choice that altered the path of my life and my children's lives.The choice was simple, fight to keep him at the expense of my other four children or let him go. I let him go. I had two weeks after the decision to live with the knowledge of my choice as I kissed him at bedtime and drove him to school in the morning. I had two weeks to try to reconcile with myself how it was for the best. He was only to be with me temporarily anyway so why prolong the inevitable. I rationalized as I slowly pulled away, hugged him less then hugged him more as I battled with my choice, made sure when he called me mom that I corrected him and explained again who his mom was.
He left on a Monday morning, so on Saturday night, I gave him a special light that would call Santa to our house early since he would not be here for Christmas. He slept in his little bed snuggled in his SpongeBob blanket holding that lantern. In the morning, he awoke to his Christmas wish, a bright red Cars bicycle just for him. It was a rare, severely cold and rainy day in Texas so he couldn't take it outside, but that did not stop him from riding it around the house nor me from forgiving the rules for a day. That Monday morning was just as cold and rainy as I put my four children on the bus and gathered his stray items and packed his bag. He knew he was leaving and where he was going, but that did not make it any easier on him or me. I did not have the courage to be there when he left. I could not put him in the car that would take him away. I will have to live with that cowardice for my lifetime and hope that he will be able to forgive me. "Don't leave me," he said as I grabbed my laptop bag and keys. I smiled as big as I could and said, "I'm not leaving you, you're leaving me." I gave him one last hug and ran to the car and cried and cried.I have now had a week without him. It was a crazy week filled with basketball games and band concerts, dance recitals and after school tutorials. The universe was kind and I had not a moment to spare to think on his absence or maybe I filled my week completely taking on extra to make sure I did not have a moment to spare and like some unspoken rule, his name never passed our lips, his absence would go unheralded. There were great joys and laughter this week as my oldest made first chair, my middle daughter dazzled in her dance production and my freshmen boys won their basketball game.
This weekend though it was as if time has stood still. I could not think of enough to do. I have papers to grade and laundry and a kitchen to clean but my youngest son put it best, I think, when he described to me what type of broke I am. He said, "Mom, there a 3 kinds of broke. There is the one where something stops working, the one where you don't have any money and then there's the one where you are sad. That's what kind of broke you are Mom, so I am going to be good until I fix you." I hugged him close and said, "Thank you." Of course this was followed by a war whoop as he attacked his brother, but it's the thought that counts.
I have made my choice and as I have had more time with my children and have almost caught up on work that was put off I again rationalize that is was for the best. Life is all about choices, some easy, some hard, but this choice was the hardest I have ever had to make. Family and colleagues have been supportive and I love them dearly for it. I know that this diatribe may seem self serving and for that I apologize, but the healing process must begin. I cannot continue to pretend he isn't gone or even worse, pretend he was never here. He was here, his little bed still there as a reminder. Where he has gone, I have no way of contacting him, no way of knowing how he fares. All I can do is hope that his time with us was a happy one and pray that he is loved there as he was loved here.
I know what must be done. I must move forward. As Dori would say, "Just keep swimming." I have so many blessings in my life. I have four healthy, beautiful, totally unbelievable children whom I love very much and they me. I have a family that most would envy. I have a job that I love and that reminds me daily why my blessings are the blessings that they are. I suppose I will go back and read my previous posts to remind me that I have such joy in my life. As time goes by I will remember the joy that he brought to my life and the hurt will lessen. For now, I remain a little broken but know that in the repair process I will become better, stronger and forever changed. Thank you little man for sharing yourself with me for that short time. Forgive me for not being able to keep you longer. Be happy little man and though we may never cross paths again, may you be strong, wise and know that you are forever loved. May that knowledge guide you through your first heartache, your first failure and all the days of your life. Stand tall, stand proud and never stop loving through it all, for you are mighty!To Harry from New Jersey with love and under repairs from East Texas
P.S. It's a little late, but Congrats, Harry, on the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series!!
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Blessings
About 3 weeks ago my life changed in a way I never foresaw. I suppose we never do but this one really threw me for a loop. It reminded me of a time long ago when another event changed my life.
About 8 Years Ago
“Some days you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but unfortunately, it’s just a train.” A very good friend of mine said that to me one night on the phone. Sometimes, she could see the future.
About 8 Years Ago
“Some days you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but unfortunately, it’s just a train.” A very good friend of mine said that to me one night on the phone. Sometimes, she could see the future.
“Well, it is official.” Sayeth middle sister at work one day.
“What is official?”
“I am two months pregnant!”
“Oh that is great! I am so happy for you.” I mumbled from cold lips.
“You don’t look happy.” And she was right. I immediately found a calendar and began to count even though; I knew the numbers were definitely not adding up.
“What are you doing?” She asks innocently.
“It’s the end of August and I haven’t had a period since before I left Cuernavaca.”
“It’s probably just stress. Go take a test and confirm it so you can stop stressing.” She says in that do not steal my thunder tone only a sister can get. I take her advice and head to the local woman’s clinic so that there are no mistakes.
There is no mistake, I am pregnant. The tears started as I drove blindly to see my mom. I walked into her school and straight into her class thankfully as the bell rang with eyes red, snot running and speech incoherent. She thought somebody had died and in truth someone had. I did not want any more children. Why would I? I barely knew how to take care of the growing ones I had.
“Rachel, what’s wrong?”
“Mom, I, I, I, I am pregnant.”
Her shock was not well hidden and then as only my mom could say, “What were you thinking when you made out this life plan? Three kids?”
“I don’t know Mom, I just don’t know.”
Well, my plans did not really change other than I now had to plan for a third baby. I was still going to school and working part time. I had worked full time with both girls, so why not, right? This time seemed different though. I was tired, very tired, more tired than I ever remembered with my previous pregnancies and I was gaining weight fast. When I went to my first check up with the doc, he suggested we do the sonogram a little early just to make sure everything was OK. I agreed, plus, I am a sonogram junkie! I love to be able to see and know what is going on in there. We will not discuss how that factors into my control freak issues at this time.
Sonogram begins. Sonographer makes weird face and I say, “Is everything OK?”
“Oh, what?” She says distractedly.
“Is everything OK?” I repeat.
“Oh sure honey, you are just the third set of twins I have done this week.”
Heart failure is a pretty accurate description of my reaction to that tidbit.
Congratulations! You’re pregnant, with twins!
TRAIN!!
NO, twins do not run in my family to answer that question.
In October 2005, I discovered not only was I pregnant for the 3rd time, but I was pregnant with twins. Two boys due in mid April 2006 if I went the whole 42 weeks. Although, that was not expected. I struck a deal with my professors to basically let me take my finals early, so that I could graduate on time. All was going great even though my waist was expanding at an exponential rate. (They had to bring in special desks for me.) I had registered for the spring and final college semester. I was healthy, the boys were healthy and well, “HALLELUYAH! I can see the light!”
“Mrs. Nolan I need to talk to you about your plans to attend university in the spring.” Sayeth Dr. Ob-Gyn.
“Ok, what do we need to talk about?”
“Well after January 1st, you’ll have weekly doctor visits and sonograms and I am going to restrict your driving to just appointments.”
“But I am this close; it’s been 6 years since I started this road.”
“Ok, Mrs. Nolan, let me put it this way. If you try to attend university in the spring, I will put you in the hospital at 28 weeks and leave you there until you deliver. Great, have a nice day.” He grins and exits.
TRAIN!!
Since I had delivered my girls by c-section, the boys would be as well. I found myself at home excruciatingly pregnant with a soon to be five year old and an active 9 year old. I had always worked from the time I was 16 to present (or that present). I had no idea what to do with myself. What did stay at home moms do with their time exactly? I was not crafty nor did I yearn to be and after all those years of working, I could do a 3 course meal in 20 minutes. Then there were new issues? Like we lived in a miniature, minuscule, minute trailer. (Yep single wide). The girls shared one of the two tiny bedrooms. Where exactly was I supposed to put my new babies and said paraphernalia? (Dresser drawers did actually cross my mind.)
It gave me something to do, a purpose again. My hunt was exhaustive (probably because I couldn’t breathe do to an elbow under my ribs and I had to pee every 5 minutes due to a knee to the bladder). We ended up moving into a 3 bedroom rent house across the street from our miniature trailer.
On March 27, 2006, (40 weeks, thank you very much! I don’t have little babies), I went into labor and on the morning of March 28th, 6 lbs 8 oz and 6 lbs 13 oz of beautiful baby boy were brought into this world. Three days later I brought them home.
Present day
I am not pregnant again and I now live in a quaint 4 bedroom on my own little piece of heaven, but 3 weeks ago, another little boy came to live with us. He is 3 years old and too cute about covers it, but I had forgotten how such a small thing can make such a large impact on ones life. I had become comfortable in my routine. We were a unit, my kids and I. Everyone knew how everyone else worked, who was a morning person and who was not. If I needed to mow, I could just head out. The kids were old enough that I did not have to watch them every minute of every day. They had their TV shows and I had mine. Table etiquette was taught long ago so reminders of, "Chew with your mouth closed", "Put your plate in the sink", and "Use a fork", hadn't been part of my vocabulary for some time.
My boys haven't been babies for a long time, but they were still my babies and I still saw them as such. With the addition of our newest, I was forced to realize what cool little people were right beside me. They aren't babies anymore. They are growing boys with these beautiful minds and creative souls and they are huge! They stand next to the 3 year old and I see how big. They tower over him and I can see what beautiful men they will become. I by no means want them to grow up any faster, but I have started to see glimmers like the sun through the leaves of what their future holds. Soon, they will tower over me. Soon, they will leave the nest. I have also been forced to realize that my oldest is not only growing, but is practically grown. College applications and scholarship applications, class rings and class rankings along with plans for next year's senior trip, monopolize our conversations. She's trying to decide what she wants to go to college for and what college and I am left to miss my little girl who sometimes took better care of me than I did of her. She is so beautiful that I want to wrap her up and hide her from the evils of the world so that they can not ever hurt her. My middle daughter as well seems to have changed overnight. I remember having to constantly remind her about school reports and homework assignments. Don't forget your dance clothes or where's your ID badge for school, but no longer. Now she's reminding me of things due for school and what days she has dance. She had always been my shortest child and now she almost looks me in the eye. I received a letter saying that she had been inducted into the National Junior Art Honor Society and that her work would be shown at the fair. When did that happen that her art went from the refrigerator to a frame in an art hall?
Our newest addition has added some spice to my life as I now remember that 3 year olds don't sleep late on Saturday morning and they don't sit and watch cartoons while Mommy has her coffee. They make a mess without even trying while eating dinner and they can find something bad to put in their mouth in about 3 seconds that you didn't even know was there. Yes, he drives me crazy because he upset our routine, but he also opened my eyes to some pretty awesome stuff. The feel of a small hand clasped in yours as you walk him into school. The smile that awaits you when you pick them up. The utter helplessness you have against falling in love when he says, "You came back to get me." I don't know how long I'll have him in my life for he may be going back but while he's here I will love him and if he leaves I will treasure the knowledge that he has brought me. Our children are with us a short time before they change and grow and leave our homes. Whether it be by birth that they came to me our by chance, they have brought me countless joys and countless stories that will never fade.
I have a box under my bed filled with pictures. Over the years the box has grown larger as the collection of pictures has and every once in a while I get it out and see those smiling faces as the years have passed. Soon I will add another year of school plays, art collections and those horrible school pictures, but more importantly, I will add the memories that each of those will represent. This year I think the new face that I will add will always be a reminder that small hands are precious no matter how large they may become and that my blessings will forever be my blessings no matter how far from home they may roam.
“What is official?”
“I am two months pregnant!”
“Oh that is great! I am so happy for you.” I mumbled from cold lips.
“You don’t look happy.” And she was right. I immediately found a calendar and began to count even though; I knew the numbers were definitely not adding up.
“What are you doing?” She asks innocently.
“It’s the end of August and I haven’t had a period since before I left Cuernavaca.”
“It’s probably just stress. Go take a test and confirm it so you can stop stressing.” She says in that do not steal my thunder tone only a sister can get. I take her advice and head to the local woman’s clinic so that there are no mistakes.
There is no mistake, I am pregnant. The tears started as I drove blindly to see my mom. I walked into her school and straight into her class thankfully as the bell rang with eyes red, snot running and speech incoherent. She thought somebody had died and in truth someone had. I did not want any more children. Why would I? I barely knew how to take care of the growing ones I had.
“Rachel, what’s wrong?”
“Mom, I, I, I, I am pregnant.”
Her shock was not well hidden and then as only my mom could say, “What were you thinking when you made out this life plan? Three kids?”
“I don’t know Mom, I just don’t know.”
“Oh, what?” She says distractedly.
“Is everything OK?” I repeat.
“Oh sure honey, you are just the third set of twins I have done this week.”
Heart failure is a pretty accurate description of my reaction to that tidbit.
The official version is that when I ovulated that month, my body produced two eggs that were both fertilized, which by the way is the rarest form of twins other than Siamese. Little did I know though, the birth of my twin boys would begin a new path for me, a new life, a new beginning, pick a corny cliché and insert here.
“Ok, what do we need to talk about?”
“Well after January 1st, you’ll have weekly doctor visits and sonograms and I am going to restrict your driving to just appointments.”
“But I am this close; it’s been 6 years since I started this road.”
“Ok, Mrs. Nolan, let me put it this way. If you try to attend university in the spring, I will put you in the hospital at 28 weeks and leave you there until you deliver. Great, have a nice day.” He grins and exits.
Present day
I am not pregnant again and I now live in a quaint 4 bedroom on my own little piece of heaven, but 3 weeks ago, another little boy came to live with us. He is 3 years old and too cute about covers it, but I had forgotten how such a small thing can make such a large impact on ones life. I had become comfortable in my routine. We were a unit, my kids and I. Everyone knew how everyone else worked, who was a morning person and who was not. If I needed to mow, I could just head out. The kids were old enough that I did not have to watch them every minute of every day. They had their TV shows and I had mine. Table etiquette was taught long ago so reminders of, "Chew with your mouth closed", "Put your plate in the sink", and "Use a fork", hadn't been part of my vocabulary for some time.
My boys haven't been babies for a long time, but they were still my babies and I still saw them as such. With the addition of our newest, I was forced to realize what cool little people were right beside me. They aren't babies anymore. They are growing boys with these beautiful minds and creative souls and they are huge! They stand next to the 3 year old and I see how big. They tower over him and I can see what beautiful men they will become. I by no means want them to grow up any faster, but I have started to see glimmers like the sun through the leaves of what their future holds. Soon, they will tower over me. Soon, they will leave the nest. I have also been forced to realize that my oldest is not only growing, but is practically grown. College applications and scholarship applications, class rings and class rankings along with plans for next year's senior trip, monopolize our conversations. She's trying to decide what she wants to go to college for and what college and I am left to miss my little girl who sometimes took better care of me than I did of her. She is so beautiful that I want to wrap her up and hide her from the evils of the world so that they can not ever hurt her. My middle daughter as well seems to have changed overnight. I remember having to constantly remind her about school reports and homework assignments. Don't forget your dance clothes or where's your ID badge for school, but no longer. Now she's reminding me of things due for school and what days she has dance. She had always been my shortest child and now she almost looks me in the eye. I received a letter saying that she had been inducted into the National Junior Art Honor Society and that her work would be shown at the fair. When did that happen that her art went from the refrigerator to a frame in an art hall?
Our newest addition has added some spice to my life as I now remember that 3 year olds don't sleep late on Saturday morning and they don't sit and watch cartoons while Mommy has her coffee. They make a mess without even trying while eating dinner and they can find something bad to put in their mouth in about 3 seconds that you didn't even know was there. Yes, he drives me crazy because he upset our routine, but he also opened my eyes to some pretty awesome stuff. The feel of a small hand clasped in yours as you walk him into school. The smile that awaits you when you pick them up. The utter helplessness you have against falling in love when he says, "You came back to get me." I don't know how long I'll have him in my life for he may be going back but while he's here I will love him and if he leaves I will treasure the knowledge that he has brought me. Our children are with us a short time before they change and grow and leave our homes. Whether it be by birth that they came to me our by chance, they have brought me countless joys and countless stories that will never fade.
I have a box under my bed filled with pictures. Over the years the box has grown larger as the collection of pictures has and every once in a while I get it out and see those smiling faces as the years have passed. Soon I will add another year of school plays, art collections and those horrible school pictures, but more importantly, I will add the memories that each of those will represent. This year I think the new face that I will add will always be a reminder that small hands are precious no matter how large they may become and that my blessings will forever be my blessings no matter how far from home they may roam.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Scent of Fall
I read a book this week that was set on the Chesapeake Bay. It spoke of back to school and the turning of the leaves as fall settled in to chase away the heat. I giggled at the differences between our geographical locations. For me back to school does not symbolize fall. For many of us below I-20, fall is a pipe dream. August does not bring relief here but brutalizes and tests faith. For others, the start of football brings the thoughts of hoodies and bonfires, I think of misters and two a days so treacherous that coaches are trained in the signs of heat stroke. Back to school is a blessing just to be inside while summer rages.
August brings burn bans and drought. The June rains are a distant memory as the local lakes seem to shrink overnight. Their banks expand and grass now browns in the sun where water once stood. Lawn mowers stand silent as their owners watch once green lawns become crunchy and brittle. August for those of us on and around the southern plains is all the more terrible as the heat drones on and on with only the threat of heat lightning each afternoon. First responders keep vigils just in case those fingers of light across the sky brings sparks of destruction with no hint of the blessing of rain to quench parched pastures. Rancher's and farmer's fields set waiting while they bring in hay from Lord knows where to feed stock who gather under bits of shade, who risk broken ankles to reach water now well within the muddy and treacherous banks of stock ponds.
Even I have felt the effects of the endless heat. I have felt tired and cranky. My usual pep brought low by the endless drone of insects and the constant beating of the sun. Weekends usually spent outdoors with tiller and hoe or lawnmower and clippers are wasted as I simply glare out the window and curse the same Texas sun I once praised. The thought of going outside after 8 am just too much to bear so I huddle in gloom. Papers went ungraded, lesson plans seemed daunting and I was so short with my children that they too had become sullen and cranky.
On Friday, my eldest prepared for the homecoming game and as we all traveled to school, the sky darkened and the thunder clapped. The rain began just as the tardy bell rang. It did not mist or sprinkle but gush. My students and I huddled at the door between classes and reveled in the glory of that downpour. That night as I watched from the bleachers, my daughter marched along with the others of the Big Red Band. I began to giggle again. They marched through mud and some with out instruments as the damp would do them damage in bright red ponchos that lived up to their name. Even though the rain continued to fall, the band and crowds alike simply pulled up their hoods on ponchos and rain coats and continued to cheer. By the fourth quarter, it was barely misting but spirits were still high, soggy but happy.
This is what we had been waiting for, what our faith said would come. That first true drenching from the north that would signal the start of fall. On our drive home it was an orgy of animals in the road, desperate to dance in the rain. I dodged hundred of frogs and stopped to help turtles reach the other side. Deer could be seen, their heads tilted up and I slowed my pace even more to revel in nature taking her joy in the slick rain we all so craved.
Saturday dawned gloomy and the clouds brought more rain but by dark, the clouds had cleared and the stars came out. A moon clear and bright signaled the first windows to be raised. The hum of the air conditioner was silent for the first time since April. By 10 pm, the breeze so cool, I gleefully grabbed my most beloved and worn in hoodie to sit and listen to the night sounds on my tiny porch. So glorious was the cool that long after the children had given up the ghost and my eyelids barely open, I kept my vigil on the night.
This morning, I grabbed gloves and gas can and headed outside. I took a page from Phil and Jase's book and kicked the kids outside as this cool morning seemed too precious to waste on TV and video games. I tilled the last of the summer plants under and smelled the crisp air and fresh dirt. I watched my children climb their favorite tree and listened to innocent laughter float on the cool breeze filtered by the rustle of leaves. I mowed and could not keep the smile off my face as I watched my animals sunning on the freshly cut grass. Here at last was our relief. Even now, as afternoon begins to head towards evening, we all stay outside enjoying the sounds of birds rustling and twittering in the trees. Games of hide and seek, last more than minutes as the sun gently warms and the breeze cools. It is a gorgeous day! I can not stop smiling and repeating, it is a gorgeous day! Now hide and seek turns to ninja assassins and even lunch brings them in in only to refuel before the game of tag begins. No cries of, "Mom, I'm bored," or "Mom, he's cheating," at some video game. Books are read in the shade of a tree and a walk down the road has been mentioned.
Summer is not quite over as any who have lived here long know. Her cruel grip has been lessened but her hold not broken yet. She will rage again as the weather man tells me we will see 90 degrees by mid week, but her threat is so lessened that I but shrug and leave my hoodie hanging on the bed post. Her end is near and though she may throw a few tantrums yet, fall is finally scented in the air. My step feels lighter, my shoulders straighter. Everything seems brighter, crisper and I know sleep will come late for me as I gather my hoodie around me once more and count stars in the cool moon light.
August brings burn bans and drought. The June rains are a distant memory as the local lakes seem to shrink overnight. Their banks expand and grass now browns in the sun where water once stood. Lawn mowers stand silent as their owners watch once green lawns become crunchy and brittle. August for those of us on and around the southern plains is all the more terrible as the heat drones on and on with only the threat of heat lightning each afternoon. First responders keep vigils just in case those fingers of light across the sky brings sparks of destruction with no hint of the blessing of rain to quench parched pastures. Rancher's and farmer's fields set waiting while they bring in hay from Lord knows where to feed stock who gather under bits of shade, who risk broken ankles to reach water now well within the muddy and treacherous banks of stock ponds. Even I have felt the effects of the endless heat. I have felt tired and cranky. My usual pep brought low by the endless drone of insects and the constant beating of the sun. Weekends usually spent outdoors with tiller and hoe or lawnmower and clippers are wasted as I simply glare out the window and curse the same Texas sun I once praised. The thought of going outside after 8 am just too much to bear so I huddle in gloom. Papers went ungraded, lesson plans seemed daunting and I was so short with my children that they too had become sullen and cranky.
On Friday, my eldest prepared for the homecoming game and as we all traveled to school, the sky darkened and the thunder clapped. The rain began just as the tardy bell rang. It did not mist or sprinkle but gush. My students and I huddled at the door between classes and reveled in the glory of that downpour. That night as I watched from the bleachers, my daughter marched along with the others of the Big Red Band. I began to giggle again. They marched through mud and some with out instruments as the damp would do them damage in bright red ponchos that lived up to their name. Even though the rain continued to fall, the band and crowds alike simply pulled up their hoods on ponchos and rain coats and continued to cheer. By the fourth quarter, it was barely misting but spirits were still high, soggy but happy.
This is what we had been waiting for, what our faith said would come. That first true drenching from the north that would signal the start of fall. On our drive home it was an orgy of animals in the road, desperate to dance in the rain. I dodged hundred of frogs and stopped to help turtles reach the other side. Deer could be seen, their heads tilted up and I slowed my pace even more to revel in nature taking her joy in the slick rain we all so craved.
Saturday dawned gloomy and the clouds brought more rain but by dark, the clouds had cleared and the stars came out. A moon clear and bright signaled the first windows to be raised. The hum of the air conditioner was silent for the first time since April. By 10 pm, the breeze so cool, I gleefully grabbed my most beloved and worn in hoodie to sit and listen to the night sounds on my tiny porch. So glorious was the cool that long after the children had given up the ghost and my eyelids barely open, I kept my vigil on the night.
This morning, I grabbed gloves and gas can and headed outside. I took a page from Phil and Jase's book and kicked the kids outside as this cool morning seemed too precious to waste on TV and video games. I tilled the last of the summer plants under and smelled the crisp air and fresh dirt. I watched my children climb their favorite tree and listened to innocent laughter float on the cool breeze filtered by the rustle of leaves. I mowed and could not keep the smile off my face as I watched my animals sunning on the freshly cut grass. Here at last was our relief. Even now, as afternoon begins to head towards evening, we all stay outside enjoying the sounds of birds rustling and twittering in the trees. Games of hide and seek, last more than minutes as the sun gently warms and the breeze cools. It is a gorgeous day! I can not stop smiling and repeating, it is a gorgeous day! Now hide and seek turns to ninja assassins and even lunch brings them in in only to refuel before the game of tag begins. No cries of, "Mom, I'm bored," or "Mom, he's cheating," at some video game. Books are read in the shade of a tree and a walk down the road has been mentioned.
Summer is not quite over as any who have lived here long know. Her cruel grip has been lessened but her hold not broken yet. She will rage again as the weather man tells me we will see 90 degrees by mid week, but her threat is so lessened that I but shrug and leave my hoodie hanging on the bed post. Her end is near and though she may throw a few tantrums yet, fall is finally scented in the air. My step feels lighter, my shoulders straighter. Everything seems brighter, crisper and I know sleep will come late for me as I gather my hoodie around me once more and count stars in the cool moon light.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Extended Family
Our family is our gift. They shelter us in times of rain. They embarrass us in public and sometimes they leave us before we are ready. I have suffered my share of loss as all of us have, but today, I do not wish to dwell on the past. I want to look forward to the future. I have many I call family. My parents, my children of course, my crazy sisters and even crazier brother and all of my beautiful nieces and nephews. I still have grandparents that send me birthday cards and tell me how proud they are along with aunts, uncles and cousins. I believe we could fill up a small stadium if all my family ever stood together. I love them one and all and hope they know that distance is but lines on a map for our love.
The family I want to touch on today is that extended family we all have that carries us through everyday moments. They share birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. They share births and deaths, divorce and marriages and yet, many of them have never seen my house. They know my favorite foods and pet peeves and I know theirs, yet I have never been inside their homes either. Today, I speak of my work family. Everyday we gather together. We smile good morning and sigh good night. We share battle stories of the day and say a prayer for each other each night.
I work on a HS campus that employees approximately 60 teachers plus support staff. We tend to almost 1,000 students each day, small compared to some I know, but nearly twice the size of my high school oh eons ago. Each day by 7:30 am, the copy machine is humming, the computers are running and coffee is flowing. Each hour we step in the hall and begin a conversation with our neighbor, five minute snippets of our lives as we fight off the hoards to go to the bathroom and get refills. Sometimes it's like someone hit pause and we pick up the next hour right where we left off then the bell rings, the doors all close and the show continues.
At our official 30 minute lunch, we math peeps gather. The math department has 4 fresh new faces this year. Two are brand new teachers and two are brand new to us. They bring fresh life and laughter. Sometimes I wonder about our former members who have moved on, some more than others, but mostly, it's a time spent trying new ideas, funny stories, prayer requests or just a moment to breath and be ourselves without 25 pairs of eyes waiting for the next act.
Last week, I was the only veteran at the gathering for a minute, fielding questions of vital importance like why are the morning classes 2 minutes shorter than the afternoon when one of the newbies said that September 25 couldn't get here fast enough. I asked why and they reminded me that newbies don't get their first check till then. I had forgotten how long that first six weeks could be and then one said, "I don't even know what my salary is." We all laughed and the others nodded in agreement. I too remember not knowing what the first check would look like. We are a rare breed. I know of few professions that inspire such dedication, time and devotion and yet, money never enters the conversation during hiring. We were all so excited to finally be in a classroom, that we simply forgot to ask if they were paying us, much less, how much. Again, I was humbled by my work family and truly honored to work among such warriors.
Today though in those 5 minutes, I shared a moment that will lead one of us towards a different battle. Last year, a senior member joined our team. She has been my savior on more than one occasion as each day she simply says, "Coffee's ready." I am not the only one who journey's to the room around the corner each day with mugs, Styrofoam and travel cup. She takes care of all of us young and old with stashes of crackers, Little Debbie's and that all important teacher staple, mints. She rarely asks for help in keeping stocked and although she is not the only stash keeper, she offers more with a friendly smile and a cheerful good morning. Recently, she discovered a lump. Last week was the biopsy and late Friday afternoon was the consultation. In our busy lives, I simply said, "You are in my prayers," and headed off to my next class. This morning, I grumpily prepared for work as it seemed the rest of the world slept in for Labor Day. I pulled in the parking lot, opened my room, turned on the computer and then headed off around the corner for my cup of joe. She wasn't there, but the coffee was. I made a few copies and then headed for the before the bell bathroom break. There, at her post by the stairs, she gave me her usual good morning and then I remember she had received her results. As if she read my mind, she said, "Have you heard?" I looked in her eyes and knew. I simply wrapped her up. It was cancer. That bully we all stand up to, but keeps coming back. The bell rings and I must let her go. She does not cry so I won't either.
Others have faced her fight, some have lost and some have won. Some continue to fight while others pray that this time the remission stands. I have stood by others that I loved, other family members that fought, but in my youth and selfishness, I did not give them the most important thing of all, my time. I promised to stand beside her and it is a promise I did not make lightly. After all, she's family. We may not share any blood, but we share common ground, a love of children and coffee and a high school hall. For me, that is more than reason enough. I want to look forward to the future. In my future, I see shiny waxed floors, math lunch confabs, many 5 minute conversations about teenage antics and my family banding together to fight the bully one more time. We will win, for cheerful good mornings and, "The coffee's ready."
The family I want to touch on today is that extended family we all have that carries us through everyday moments. They share birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. They share births and deaths, divorce and marriages and yet, many of them have never seen my house. They know my favorite foods and pet peeves and I know theirs, yet I have never been inside their homes either. Today, I speak of my work family. Everyday we gather together. We smile good morning and sigh good night. We share battle stories of the day and say a prayer for each other each night.
I work on a HS campus that employees approximately 60 teachers plus support staff. We tend to almost 1,000 students each day, small compared to some I know, but nearly twice the size of my high school oh eons ago. Each day by 7:30 am, the copy machine is humming, the computers are running and coffee is flowing. Each hour we step in the hall and begin a conversation with our neighbor, five minute snippets of our lives as we fight off the hoards to go to the bathroom and get refills. Sometimes it's like someone hit pause and we pick up the next hour right where we left off then the bell rings, the doors all close and the show continues.
At our official 30 minute lunch, we math peeps gather. The math department has 4 fresh new faces this year. Two are brand new teachers and two are brand new to us. They bring fresh life and laughter. Sometimes I wonder about our former members who have moved on, some more than others, but mostly, it's a time spent trying new ideas, funny stories, prayer requests or just a moment to breath and be ourselves without 25 pairs of eyes waiting for the next act.
Last week, I was the only veteran at the gathering for a minute, fielding questions of vital importance like why are the morning classes 2 minutes shorter than the afternoon when one of the newbies said that September 25 couldn't get here fast enough. I asked why and they reminded me that newbies don't get their first check till then. I had forgotten how long that first six weeks could be and then one said, "I don't even know what my salary is." We all laughed and the others nodded in agreement. I too remember not knowing what the first check would look like. We are a rare breed. I know of few professions that inspire such dedication, time and devotion and yet, money never enters the conversation during hiring. We were all so excited to finally be in a classroom, that we simply forgot to ask if they were paying us, much less, how much. Again, I was humbled by my work family and truly honored to work among such warriors.
Today though in those 5 minutes, I shared a moment that will lead one of us towards a different battle. Last year, a senior member joined our team. She has been my savior on more than one occasion as each day she simply says, "Coffee's ready." I am not the only one who journey's to the room around the corner each day with mugs, Styrofoam and travel cup. She takes care of all of us young and old with stashes of crackers, Little Debbie's and that all important teacher staple, mints. She rarely asks for help in keeping stocked and although she is not the only stash keeper, she offers more with a friendly smile and a cheerful good morning. Recently, she discovered a lump. Last week was the biopsy and late Friday afternoon was the consultation. In our busy lives, I simply said, "You are in my prayers," and headed off to my next class. This morning, I grumpily prepared for work as it seemed the rest of the world slept in for Labor Day. I pulled in the parking lot, opened my room, turned on the computer and then headed off around the corner for my cup of joe. She wasn't there, but the coffee was. I made a few copies and then headed for the before the bell bathroom break. There, at her post by the stairs, she gave me her usual good morning and then I remember she had received her results. As if she read my mind, she said, "Have you heard?" I looked in her eyes and knew. I simply wrapped her up. It was cancer. That bully we all stand up to, but keeps coming back. The bell rings and I must let her go. She does not cry so I won't either.
Others have faced her fight, some have lost and some have won. Some continue to fight while others pray that this time the remission stands. I have stood by others that I loved, other family members that fought, but in my youth and selfishness, I did not give them the most important thing of all, my time. I promised to stand beside her and it is a promise I did not make lightly. After all, she's family. We may not share any blood, but we share common ground, a love of children and coffee and a high school hall. For me, that is more than reason enough. I want to look forward to the future. In my future, I see shiny waxed floors, math lunch confabs, many 5 minute conversations about teenage antics and my family banding together to fight the bully one more time. We will win, for cheerful good mornings and, "The coffee's ready."
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Outliers
I have struggled this week to find a consistent topic. So many thoughts to try and reign in and find a pattern. As an Algebra fan, my analytical brain craves patterns. When those patterns elude me, the thoughts seem to just run amok, chaos. Random characters are chosen and connected to others in hopes that a pattern will emerge. Like some kind of cypher that if I just keep trying to find the key code it will all make sense. Sleep has been a missed friend this week. I have tried working in the yard to the point of exhaustion in hopes I'll be able to welcome him back. Even still, I awoke at 4 am and followed along with a power yoga class on TV.
I am sure that in part my whirling thoughts are due to my return to the classroom. The nervous yet excited jitters all teachers feel. The lists of things I need to do jumbled with the knowledge that inservice next week will add many items to my list. Do I have all my supplies? Do my kids have all their supplies? Oh yeah, meet the teacher night at their schools and mine, is the laundry done, probably should mow before I go back, better clean the bathroom, do I have back to school dinners? Oh wait, we have to pick up Leslie's schedule before the others and Lily's dance uniforms need to be ordered. Do I make that first day video now or wait till I have those new pics from inservice? Does Mrs. Magee need any help with the mentees and is my mentee feeling welcome?
I could go on and I'm sure many of you have the same day to day to do list that runs in your head, but I also have quiet moments where everything seems to slow down. I feel the cool breeze that has blessed our Texas mornings. The half moon that lit up my lawn like a night light that doesn't charge my electric bill. The stars at 4 am are the most clear and I simply stare and wonder.
One moment will stay with me. My oldest and I were running errands, orthodontist appointment, prescription pick up, pay a bill or two and we stopped for drinks. The gas station was crowded and so we parked in an odd spot out back. I noticed two men sitting on the edge of the lot, their bikes beside them under the small spot of shade the odd tree provided. I had seen them before around town and as before, a small pack of dogs sat in the shade with them. Their constant companions despite the heat. I stood outside and smoked while my oldest ran in, "Get two extra bottles of water, OK?"
"OK, why?"
"For the dogs." My Leslie glanced over, noticed the group and shrugged. No hesitation, no second questions, just acceptance. She humbles me often with her sharp wit, quiet nature and unflagging willingness to help others, whether it be tutoring after school or making lunch for her brothers. She just shrugs and goes about her day. Kindness is simply her nature.
She comes out of the store and I expect her to bring me the water to take over but instead she walks up to the gentlemen, hands them the water and says, "For the dogs." She then walks over to the car and gets in, having simply nodded at his thanks. I watch as the man pulls a plastic bag over and makes a bowl. Without so much as a drink for himself, he begins to pour the water. The dogs calmly begin to drink without a sound. As I put out my cigarette, he looks up. He places a closed fist over his heart, closes his eyes and gives me a nod. I believe it was one of the most poignant thank yous of my life. Without words, I felt his appreciation and again I was humbled by such a simple gesture.
Then the whirlwind begins again. Don't forget to water the garden, feed the animals, four legged and two. I wonder if Wal-Greens has the shots Lily needs before 7th grade, nothing like the last minute. When does Leslie need that white shirt for band? I wonder when and if Boy Scouts will start up again? Crap, I forgot to turn off the sprinkler. Probably should grab the last of the figs before they waste.
The speed at which my mind turns scares me. How will I possibly get it all done? Just when I think I'll scream for it has begun to be too much, I feel a cool breeze, see the clear stars of early morning and remember a fist over the heart. Yes, time travels at the speed of light as do my thoughts, but sometimes, the whirring stops, sounds fade and a stillness sets in, a calm. Those moments are the ones. So instead of trying to find my pattern, this time, I found the outlier, that random point in a data set that throws off the line of fit and saw it not as something to be thrown out, so the function can be found, but as a moment all its own, where I can stop the chaos and be calm.
Now, what am I going to wear tomorrow? If I wear the pink dress, what shoes? Etc, etc, etc!
I am sure that in part my whirling thoughts are due to my return to the classroom. The nervous yet excited jitters all teachers feel. The lists of things I need to do jumbled with the knowledge that inservice next week will add many items to my list. Do I have all my supplies? Do my kids have all their supplies? Oh yeah, meet the teacher night at their schools and mine, is the laundry done, probably should mow before I go back, better clean the bathroom, do I have back to school dinners? Oh wait, we have to pick up Leslie's schedule before the others and Lily's dance uniforms need to be ordered. Do I make that first day video now or wait till I have those new pics from inservice? Does Mrs. Magee need any help with the mentees and is my mentee feeling welcome?
I could go on and I'm sure many of you have the same day to day to do list that runs in your head, but I also have quiet moments where everything seems to slow down. I feel the cool breeze that has blessed our Texas mornings. The half moon that lit up my lawn like a night light that doesn't charge my electric bill. The stars at 4 am are the most clear and I simply stare and wonder.One moment will stay with me. My oldest and I were running errands, orthodontist appointment, prescription pick up, pay a bill or two and we stopped for drinks. The gas station was crowded and so we parked in an odd spot out back. I noticed two men sitting on the edge of the lot, their bikes beside them under the small spot of shade the odd tree provided. I had seen them before around town and as before, a small pack of dogs sat in the shade with them. Their constant companions despite the heat. I stood outside and smoked while my oldest ran in, "Get two extra bottles of water, OK?"
"OK, why?"
"For the dogs." My Leslie glanced over, noticed the group and shrugged. No hesitation, no second questions, just acceptance. She humbles me often with her sharp wit, quiet nature and unflagging willingness to help others, whether it be tutoring after school or making lunch for her brothers. She just shrugs and goes about her day. Kindness is simply her nature.
She comes out of the store and I expect her to bring me the water to take over but instead she walks up to the gentlemen, hands them the water and says, "For the dogs." She then walks over to the car and gets in, having simply nodded at his thanks. I watch as the man pulls a plastic bag over and makes a bowl. Without so much as a drink for himself, he begins to pour the water. The dogs calmly begin to drink without a sound. As I put out my cigarette, he looks up. He places a closed fist over his heart, closes his eyes and gives me a nod. I believe it was one of the most poignant thank yous of my life. Without words, I felt his appreciation and again I was humbled by such a simple gesture.
Then the whirlwind begins again. Don't forget to water the garden, feed the animals, four legged and two. I wonder if Wal-Greens has the shots Lily needs before 7th grade, nothing like the last minute. When does Leslie need that white shirt for band? I wonder when and if Boy Scouts will start up again? Crap, I forgot to turn off the sprinkler. Probably should grab the last of the figs before they waste.The speed at which my mind turns scares me. How will I possibly get it all done? Just when I think I'll scream for it has begun to be too much, I feel a cool breeze, see the clear stars of early morning and remember a fist over the heart. Yes, time travels at the speed of light as do my thoughts, but sometimes, the whirring stops, sounds fade and a stillness sets in, a calm. Those moments are the ones. So instead of trying to find my pattern, this time, I found the outlier, that random point in a data set that throws off the line of fit and saw it not as something to be thrown out, so the function can be found, but as a moment all its own, where I can stop the chaos and be calm.
Now, what am I going to wear tomorrow? If I wear the pink dress, what shoes? Etc, etc, etc!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)