Finding a Passion

October 2010

What do I want to do? I am at an impasse as they say.  I have fought for the past 10 years to earn my degree in Mathematics so that I may provide a better future for my children and for some warped sense of self fulfillment.  Now, even as I write, it sits in the envelope from the university, just behind my computer.  It sits there where I know it’s there but not where I can actually see it.  Do I want to pursue a little more education and receive my teaching certificate or has the whole search for the degree left me with a bad taste in my mouth?  

For the past two years, I have been gainfully unemployed.  I am a ward of the state so to speak.  I have applied for approximately 2 jobs per week since September of 2009.  It is now October of 2010.  So in total, I have applied for approximately 104 jobs varying from secretary to insurance agent to register clerk at Dollar General.  Oh, I work part time here and there, a waitress, a sometimes assistant to my dad, even a hotel clerk for about a minute, but nothing full time. No career that is supposed to fulfill the missing piece of my soul.  So I repeat, what do I want to do?  I want to watch my children grow. I want to sleep on Sundays and listen as the birds wake me up to a quiet sunrise.  I want to talk homework and boys and Buzz Lightyear and then marriage and grandchildren and sports and the economy. I want to travel. I want to see Venice at night as the stars and lights of that ancient city glitter off the water. I want to smell Ireland as I sit on one of its famous rock walls surrounded by such a green that even HD TV can not do it justice.  I want to feel the cold of Alaska as I crunch through newly fallen snow at the base of a mountain that is still ruled, not by man, but by nature.  I want to feel the heat of Rio as my heart pounds along with the music of Carnival. Then I want to do it all over again and watch my children taste the world through their clear eyes that see far better than ours.  

I took them to the beach this year. Just a little beach on the coast of Texas with its oil invested waters and tourist shops and I was in awe.  They ran full out and let the water take them.  No complaining about how dirty or how the derricks in the distance ruined the view.  They simply ran and dove and did it again and again until they couldn’t stand anymore.  Their eyes simply could not take it all in fast enough.  I have seen the waters of the Caribbean.  I have swam in a cenote of Mexico and surfed the beaches of Zihuataneho and yet, I haven’t done anything as joyful as watching my children play in the brown water of the Gulf of Mexico.  I had become so jaded as to what was fun, what was acceptable that I forgot to breathe.  I keep forgetting to breathe.  As a young daughter needing to be strong for my mother or as a teenager desperately trying to make everyone like me or now as a jaded adult sure in my own self righteousness, I keep forgetting to breathe.  

Why do we do that? Why do we look out at the world and only see the electric bill, the water bill and the mortgage? Part of me, the logical, rational side, says, "Because those are the basic calls of humanity." What brought us out of the primordial ooze, the need for food, shelter and companionship.  All of which of course are better achieved with a job. A  J. O. B.  The other side of me though, the one that still believes in fairies and happily ever after says, "No worries.  The money will come. It will all work out and everyone will find their way.  Just Breathe Woman."  Where’s the balance? How do we find that yin and yang salvation location where the bills are paid and we can truly say we are happy?

Present Day 

For me, it began when I made the decision to get my teaching certificate. It took me another year after this self loathing diatribe to achieve and several thousand dollars later, but thanks to the wonderful ladies at Region VII, tons of support from friends and family,  and a fortuitous moment where a local school district needed a math teacher, in the fall of 2011, I became a gainfully employed educator! I wish I could write that I chose the teaching profession because I had a great passion to change the world one child at a time, but alas, I can not. I originally chose it, because I am a mother of four and teaching provided a schedule that fit theirs. 

My first year was a lesson in survival to say the least, but it also proved that sometimes, we find our passion not by choice, but by default.  Most believe that after that final bell rings on that last day of school, teachers simply pack up to tropical destinations and drink fruity things with an umbrella in it till they magically appear back in their classrooms the next fall.  I discovered this is a true fantasy. I, as many others in my profession, did not head off for Bora Bora, I headed off for the wilds of Kilgore, TX, the location of our Region VII service center,  with many of my colleagues to become better. I found that I did not like just surviving in my classroom, I wanted to shine. I spent a total of 100 hours that summer in session after session on how to improve my teaching. I spent more hours online to find resources and watching webinars. I immersed myself in all things education.  My second year, well, it was better than the first. I did not go home crying every night, but again this past summer, I have spent another 100 hours in training sessions along with working on my PLNs or personal learning networks. I have begun conversing with educators around the globe to find new ways to engage my students. 

Why? I am a teacher. I don't just see brooding teenagers with huge chips on their shoulders. I see minds that have no idea at the beauty their world has to offer. I don't see whiny spoiled young adults who are perpetually logged in to social media. I see the opportunity of bright futures. Somewhere between just simply being happy to be employed and today, I found my passion. 

Have I been able to travel to Venice or Ireland?  No, but I did receive a hug from a former gang member who told me thank you for letting him have a piece of paper on which to draw. Have I danced at Carnival? No, but I had a student tell me thank you for making math fun again. I found I don't have to remind myself to breathe. I found that I connect better with my biological children because we are in the trenches together now. I do get to sleep on Sundays and listen to the birds. I found my salvation location in the halls of a high school. Now with the beginning of my third year just around the corner, I take a deep breath and let my passion guide me. 

 My friend Harry said, "It's a calling." He is right as he was on many things, I just took a while to realize it. So, in answer to my own question, "What do I want to do?" I want to teach! 

Thanks again Harry from New Jersey with love from East Texas!